Month: June 2025

You are looking at this in the wrong way. I hope you are not offended by this. He laughs. I don’t intend to offend but if I do that is perfectly fine. I can’t believe you travelled all this way to do this in person. You are the first.

I’m trying to avoid all the summers when it comes to international travel. Which is the complete reverse to how it once was. In some countries its like a blessed day when the sun comes out after all those grey cold days. But when you relocate to an area that is summer all year around, you bet I swam in the ocean in the middle of winter. The water here is warmer than back home, the icy cold antarctica energy has melted by the time it arrives here. Sunbathing on the beach in the middle of winter, never have I ever seen that. I like experiencing that.

I was on my walk, my favourite walk and on that particular day all of a sudden I experienced this internal panic of not wanting to walk the same walk forever until the day I die. No, I don’t want to die in the town that I was born in. But sometimes when I go back I’m like I could go back and live there again. It’s the comfort of the familiar. But I can drive to all the thrift stores in 2 hours and its all over. The fish bowl doesn’t really do it for me, it drives me crazy.  The nostalgia is real and it hits me hard in the face as I remember my teenage years here and I want to go back in time to talk to myself. Tell her the truth apparently I still am in the dark about that as well and don’t have all the answers but I have so many things to share with her. If I could talk to my past self, I hope that I could change her timeline. It’s ok to live a different one. It’s ok to not meet everyone you meet in this version and go a completely different route. But if you want to meet this person, here are the dates and year you have to be in to cross paths with them. The window is very short by the way. I need my sister to ask her a few questions on how to manipulate people but then she isn’t very well respected and everyone leaves eventually so that’s not going to work. Never mind what I said. I’m thinking out loud.

I returned home with a plan that we would relocate in December and began selling items online to begin the downsizing process. Strangely things worked out that way but not exactly in the city I chose, somewhere else. I wasn’t that happy with being there. It worked out somehow. What do I know? The universe holds secrets and doesn’t tell me anything until the last minute, its very annoying. The best part of those 4 years was the final 3 months. It wasn’t long enough. Some things don’t take long to be born.

Why are so many days and months just and endless of the same old same old. Then there is this period of three months of travelling in my car with almost everything I own in it. All my plans that I showed up with got turned down and I was ushered onto another path instead. After a very easy three minute drive around and around to the yoga studio, reformer pilates room and back home again. Turned into one trial run after the other from one studio to the next. I missed my favourite. I keep getting asked what is my favourite and I haven’t had the time yet for that answer to catch up with me. I never reply. I feel like I just lie, or there are multiple answers. I don’t know which one is the right one until I’m by myself. I’m so private. The world is developing to be very very transparent in ways I never could have imagined it would become.

The world feels very sci-fi. YouTube channels make it feel this way. All these real life people are talking like they know someone is listening, like you are walking down the corridor together and they are telling you a story. But its all on screen. I don’t have time for everyone. I don’t know how to find everyone either. In real time we often don’t even try to get to know one another. My inner Grandmother has started to grow and she is a chatty woman, she doesn’t want to be quiet anymore.

Meeting anyone in real life is a miracle. I feel like I spend most of my time these days living in a virtual reality. It is intriguing. I ask myself is this wasting my time? I close the fridge and no I am not. I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. Sometimes I hear compassionate ones saying there is no right or wrong. While I feel like there is but its about acceptance and spirituality at its core is pure love and only the truthful answers can heal and support you during this time of need.

I don’t think my hobbies are normal. But I was taught something and I couldn’t stop it once I was introduced. I’m going to leave it vague. All the details I discover in readings and listening. I look down at my uterus and I still haven’t given birth yet. How can a perfectionist like myself even get pregnant I am terrified from everything I have read. I don’t know what the statistics are for healthy families with children who grow up with unconditional love and environment that makes them develop in the ways they would like to. But the world is often not the country, culture or family you would want to be born into. It is not equal for everyone.

I don’t know how many times I have listened to the timeline when divorce enters but sometimes it begins when the beautiful child is in the womb. I have listened to the hearts who want to find their partner but I’m never around long enough to find out if they got their happy ending or not. But I hope so.

I get paranoid.

I hear about divorces during times of sickness and have to view it from both sides. But its difficult. I couldn’t imagine finding out that I had cancer and get a divorce because of it. This happens much more than I could imagine. The traditional vows are misunderstood. In sickness and in health.

The fairy tale wedding, a ring that you could sell to buy a very nice house with, to end up in a very controlling home on the other side. A trap you didn’t see coming. That scared me. It reminded me of that horror movie Midsommar. It’s that not knowing, that no-one knew, did no-one get a bad feeling about this? We are all aware of red flags and not listen to them the first time.

Sometimes I need a take two but there isn’t one. Just take one that’s it. I can’t go back and change a few things and swap emails or Instagram accounts. But sometimes it takes me 10 months to feel ready to connect again. I often find jumping in too quickly makes me only want to jump out again just as fast and never return.  Often quick chemistry is a sign of a quick exit and we just needed to exchange socials to arrange meeting up later. I feel ready to talk now, 10 months later for some reason. I often feel like I’m covered in locks and I have to meet certain people on my path that are like lock smiths who open one lock at a time. When I have opened enough then I can do this thing. But its too slow. I miss all these opportunities as they arise. Then it is gone. I just want to be lockless.

I didn’t know it was happening. But I met someone who was a mover. After they left. I became a mover a few months later. Somehow seeing him come and go so often and hearing where he went. I became like that too. I loved it. I miss it. I love moving. Driving. Showing up in different places.

When I get triggered I only see it one way. But also I don’t know how to stop someone from talking too much if it effects me negatively. But still hold space for them. I notice that we are who we are at the time and no-one likes to be edited or told how to be just to make everyone around them more comfortable. I look back and see things slightly differently. I have more compassion for them. That situation was too stressful and effected their mental health. Sometimes you don’t need everyone’s help around you to get what you want. Often you just listen to yourself, figure out what you want and don’t want. I don’t like it when strangers use the kindness of others around them so they know they can control other people some how. Every addict I have met are super controlling. I strip it back and can see that what door was opening for them was the right one. It flowed through them, no one else found it for them. They didn’t need my partner and I to help them find a job actually, they just believed they needed it at the time. They needed support from a community to feel safe, but I often felt like he was an intruder, invading my privacy and crossing my boundaries daily. He was so pushy, I would have to show my teeth and growl to let them know not to hassle me. Most people leave me alone, but these addict types have no boundaries and just believe they can do and say what they want without any negative consequences. It was interferring with my life, it was too much. Even though it wasn’t a long period of time in the end it was too much for me and it took its toll. I would have a series of events with two more addicts one after the other. I had to ghost every single one of them. It was bombardment. It wasn’t healthy. I see how they always asked for something, multiple things. I never asked for anything, because I usually don’t when I met someone. It’s not my intention. But these guys will just ask anyone for anything they can get. Every single time, we are not together for long because its too toxic. I can’t breathe properly with them around me, I feel the poison hit my skin and I collapse. I lose myself for a few weeks. I don’t know why I have this reaction but most people around me have no idea what happened to me, I don’t know how to explain it but after being around a toxic addict I feel sick for several weeks after our encounter. I don’t seem to have immunity to this sort of thing. But they are the opposite of everyone I meet whom we say hi, a few quick stories and then we go off to the next thing. Not these ones, they keep coming back, too much talking, too much neediness, for a stranger its weird. We are not close friends, we are not family. I feel their snake spirit coil themselves around me with their energy and I am suffocated and trapped listening to their venting as if I was a natural born therapist. I don’t know how anyone could tolerate this style of talking, this toxic thinking, all these bad memories all at once, out of the blue. I didn’t add them to my schedule with a purpose or reason why we meet up. Our time together is never planned, its spontaneous, out of the blue, and i don’t like it that much. My life has a schedule, its in my calendar. The unplanned things I like are the moments that I enjoy. There are events that happen that no-one can predict. My body is too sensitive for some people. That’s the boundary I must respect and value. I’m not ready for their energy, their life experiences.

 

We returned to the botanical gardens a few moon cycles apart. Drinking our vino amongst the trees without all the crowds. Rolling around on the lawn. We got drunk and decided to go knock on a door from the past. The old family home. We asked the new owners if they wanted to sell it back but they didn’t want too. They were happy where they were. They must of thought we were so weird. Waiting for a house to sell on the same street is unknown. I didn’t have the patience to wait. A nice house on the edge of the botanical gardens will do and there has to be one with a better view there is more than one path that leads to the gardens. Let’s be inspired by the past and not go back to exact same spot. It doesn’t feel right. $1,200000 asking price. Great…what do I have to do in this world to live here. I can’t even afford the driveway.

 

Almost everything in my life goes to hell. I am plagued by a cocktail of trauma, depression, isolation and a voice that didn’t know what to say. My life choices were made of a menu of miscarriages and failures that I didn’t know how to work through. I always ended up starting again and it wasn’t pleasant. 

I tried to only talk about the positive things but that always seemed to trigger and build frustration but opening up about the real life story didn’t feel safe to be vulnerable and I feel like those childhood traumas continue to mirror in my life in all relationships, so that I got stuck in the same experiences on repeat. Experiencing the same thing on repeat in the hall of mirrors is a horror story especially if it’s trauma based. Then I imagine a favourite moment in the hall of mirrors surrounded by roses of various colours and that feels nice.   

I heard this question today, what did acting teach you? Everyone holds onto their emotions often and don’t express it and in acting you learn to express it and share it. 

I have been job hunting on the seek app and getting triggered with an identity crisis. I fucken hate it. It’s not fun. My partner and I were having a conversation about dentists and orthodontists. He offered to pay for half of the student fees to become a dentist. All the jobs coming up on seek, didn’t feel like me. I applied for a job that I never thought about… a Pet Crematorium assistant. Anyway I didn’t get it. 

The teenager version of me wanted to become a designer in Wellington through Massey University. Really photography was my strength and my passion. Apparently the teenage version of me said that being a photographer wasn’t enough and it took me years to realise what I meant by that. At the time I didn’t know what kind of designer, later I would bond the most with fashion, architecture, interior design and photography. I ended up being a student for two weeks in architectural technology far from my teenage years. The tutor said anyone can be a designer and you don’t need to be an architect. That was all I needed to hear. I put up my hand and asked the tutor if I could just come to class to listen and not do the work as I was ruling lines, this is the most boring thing I could ever do. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful but for me this wasn’t my path. I hated it. It was the most uncomfortable two weeks, followed by more of them as I hated everything and almost everyone. It was starting to get weird in the classroom when a student noticed another students perfect execution of drawing and was triggered with jealousy. Why can’t people be the opposite and be happy and thrilled to see someone killing it. Without comparing yourself to them. It just happens to much, this silly competitive world that we live in. I’m in hell. I’ve gotta get out of here. 

The high fashion industry pisses me off because it’s too elitist, many of us would appreciate watching a live fashion show once and a while. Who doesn’t want to go to Paris or NYC sometimes for a visit. But it’s only for the 1% of the world. It annoys me.  

I heard this thing the other day that even our darkest years or months are an adventure. eww toxic positivity….In some ways it’s true but I have to acknowledge that some disturbing things in this life are far from an adventure and I would never name it that. That would be disrespecting us all, we deserve better.  Wading through all the bullshit.

I watched this documentary last night. It was about this show that I used to watch in the early 2000s. America’s extreme house makeover. It was the story about what happened to the families once the tv cameras stopped rolling. Every family were in hardship, financially, big families, health issues, struggling to survive, but they were living in houses they could afford even if there was 11 people sharing a 3 bedroom house together. They only needed a few renovations. This TV show comes along and chooses the hardest of hardships and gives the families just one more hardship and build these families a mansion in 7 days that they couldn’t afford to maintain and keep. The idea may have began with good intentions but there was a just one flaw in the blind spot that would have an effect on all the families. The monthly bills went from $500 a month to $1200. Someone’s pantry cost $2000 per month. The taxes increased. These homes were built for millionaires not minimum wage workers to beneficiaries. Most of the families were evicted or had to sell their million dollar mansion for $500,000 because the buyers who could afford the house didn’t want to live in a low socioeconomic suburb. It was the only mansion on the street. One father felt the pressure and chose to put his house into a mortgage and borrowed $400,000 to start a business and it failed and he lost all the money. Another family once they moved into the house, started to release one by one their adopted children. They used their adopted kids to get a nice home and then get rid of them. Someone went back to film these families to see their future. The executive producers from this tv reality makeover series didn’t think about this important criteria that these families couldn’t afford the house upgrades. It messed with the everyone. No-one really knew how to manage this rare issue, it didn’t seem like they knew who to turn too? It was a major flaw in the idea proposal. These reality TV shows like American’s Next Top Model and The Playboy Mansion series and spin off shows ruin lives. I wasn’t aware of how toxic it was. I’m glad everyone who is unpacking it for us. 

It’s scary because I used to watch these shows growing up. I wasn’t aware of the details I was watching, it went above my head. 

I wasn’t expecting to cross paths with this story. 

I didn’t know Prince was known in his friendship circle as the lonely man. During his childhood, his parents were jazz musicians at night with a dream of becoming famous. The father was working in a low paying job that made them suffer in poverty. He was a mean critical parent and taught Prince how to play the piano but not in a nurturing way. It drove Prince to become a hardcore perfectionist to win his Father’s approval and love. He got kicked out of home very young, too young. a child still. He went to go live with his friends, one of them had a drum kit and he taught himself every instrument he could in 5 years as he couldn’t afford teachers. He got his first demo at 15 from a local music producer. By 19 he was performing live on tv.
I was thinking about Prince one day. I missed him. Even if everyone of these people I would never meet, they were in my life on tv and I got to grow up with them. My heart loved him. I enjoyed his music as a child and forever.

I feel this world pulling apart slowly losing a few more musicians. It scares me that in 150 years from now. There will be a completely new set of humans living on earth.

Prince’s music makes me feel temporarily confident and happy, it’s perfect in an imperfect world.

He did amazing. I was wondering why all of these Prince things were appearing in my life and a few days later it was his birthday. I wanted to bake him a birthday cake but this year I was too depressed to do it. Then his documentary appeared that was made after his death as he was so private he didn’t want one made while he was alive. But they did a really good job with the archive footage and interviews. They made it just in time while his friends were still alive. As they hold important vivid memories.  

The more I investigate anyone’s story to fame and fortune, there is this intensely lonely hardship. How do you survive that? It’s built from two different extreme life paths poverty or nepotism. The first one in the family to become famous or born into a family with a famous parent or parents.

You either fail trying to make it or you work so hard going above and beyond in a ways that most of us don’t do. It is lonely. No-one around you understands what you are doing nor do they believe in your fairy tale. But apparently its not even close to a fairy tale but another story of hell on earth. How many cycles must we suffer through to get to a good one that feels good, and is good. Give our nervous system a break.

There is just enough support for you to do what you gotta do to get to the next step. It’s happening in secret. No one knows what you are doing and why until its the right time. Development is pretty fast it seems.

I don’t know why only some people get to live their dreams and everyone else doesn’t.

The rejection and jealousy of Prince’s parents made him feel so lonely, he just wanted to be loved as a child and adult. He needed his parents connection in his life. It was a no contact relationship. Even when he went back to his father to give him a house and car, there was no love there from him. There is an intergenerational dream that is passed down, someone’s Grandmother or Mother/Father had a dream of becoming famous and couldn’t but their child or grandchild completes the cycle and achieves that dream for their family. But because it’s often a very solo journey. It’s not quite the same for everyone.

The world is changing.

Everyone I know who didn’t have the patience to wait for a director to choose them as lead just cast themselves and direct their own short film. Get on with it. More opportunities came along. 
I feel this regret in my gut, that if I don’t make something before I die, this stuck energy has already lingered on for too long as it is. I see everyone else’s short films and travels over to NYC and Tribeca. WE can do that, our own version.  

I feel this energy of procrastination for life and it is embodied within me. I’m frozen. I hate failure. It’s only inspirational when there is success in the mix.
I watched one of my mentors this year direct their first feature film in NZ and she was so happy. So many moments where I got the ticket entrance but once I arrived I didn’t get what I wanted. In fact I was given the opportunity to serve everyone else and not serve myself and put myself into a compromising situation that didn’t feel right to me. So I often never stayed. Mr Beast didn’t like College and only stayed for two weeks, pretended to keep going to College. He did what he wanted to do in secret, if he did anything else he felt depressed. But he managed to dig deep enough and find gold pretty quickly. The universe supported him and the rest is history. They say don’t compare yourself with anyone, fuck it I am going to do it right now. I have tried so many subjects with various educational providers and only stayed two weeks and I hated it too. I missed something. I didn’t leave and do what I wanted to do in secret, because what I wanted to do involves a team. Who is my team? What story am I going to tell?

I heard this message a few weeks ago. It said you are climbing up this staircase and the universe wants you to go through the door at the top. But every time you go there, you turn back around and walk back down the stairs. You can do that, you have free will. Every time the door opens I don’t like what I see on the other side. So I keep opening up new doors to see if I like it and often not. I only like some things and the rest I don’t want. But I am basically always sitting at the bottom of the staircase not knowing what to do next.

It is hard being a perfectionist and a creator, but its not impossible. That kind of creativity is spiritual.

There is this long journey of disappointment for me. Something doesn’t feel right because something isn’t right. 

I crossed paths with your Mother once in a blue moon, but every time she always says something quick but it pieces a story together. Mothers have intuition for their children. I gotta trust that.