Almost everything in my life goes to hell. I am plagued by a cocktail of trauma, depression, isolation and a voice that didn’t know what to say. My life choices were made of a menu of miscarriages and failures that I didn’t know how to work through. I always ended up starting again and it wasn’t pleasant.
I tried to only talk about the positive things but that always seemed to trigger and build frustration but opening up about the real life story didn’t feel safe to be vulnerable and I feel like those childhood traumas continue to mirror in my life in all relationships, so that I got stuck in the same experiences on repeat. Experiencing the same thing on repeat in the hall of mirrors is a horror story especially if it’s trauma based. Then I imagine a favourite moment in the hall of mirrors surrounded by roses of various colours and that feels nice.
I heard this question today, what did acting teach you? Everyone holds onto their emotions often and don’t express it and in acting you learn to express it and share it.
I have been job hunting on the seek app and getting triggered with an identity crisis. I fucken hate it. It’s not fun. My partner and I were having a conversation about dentists and orthodontists. He offered to pay for half of the student fees to become a dentist. All the jobs coming up on seek, didn’t feel like me. I applied for a job that I never thought about… a Pet Crematorium assistant. Anyway I didn’t get it.
The teenager version of me wanted to become a designer in Wellington through Massey University. Really photography was my strength and my passion. Apparently the teenage version of me said that being a photographer wasn’t enough and it took me years to realise what I meant by that. At the time I didn’t know what kind of designer, later I would bond the most with fashion, architecture, interior design and photography. I ended up being a student for two weeks in architectural technology far from my teenage years. The tutor said anyone can be a designer and you don’t need to be an architect. That was all I needed to hear. I put up my hand and asked the tutor if I could just come to class to listen and not do the work as I was ruling lines, this is the most boring thing I could ever do. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful but for me this wasn’t my path. I hated it. It was the most uncomfortable two weeks, followed by more of them as I hated everything and almost everyone. It was starting to get weird in the classroom when a student noticed another students perfect execution of drawing and was triggered with jealousy. Why can’t people be the opposite and be happy and thrilled to see someone killing it. Without comparing yourself to them. It just happens to much, this silly competitive world that we live in. I’m in hell. I’ve gotta get out of here.
The high fashion industry pisses me off because it’s too elitist, many of us would appreciate watching a live fashion show once and a while. Who doesn’t want to go to Paris or NYC sometimes for a visit. But it’s only for the 1% of the world. It annoys me.
I heard this thing the other day that even our darkest years or months are an adventure. eww toxic positivity….In some ways it’s true but I have to acknowledge that some disturbing things in this life are far from an adventure and I would never name it that. That would be disrespecting us all, we deserve better. Wading through all the bullshit.
I watched this documentary last night. It was about this show that I used to watch in the early 2000s. America’s extreme house makeover. It was the story about what happened to the families once the tv cameras stopped rolling. Every family were in hardship, financially, big families, health issues, struggling to survive, but they were living in houses they could afford even if there was 11 people sharing a 3 bedroom house together. They only needed a few renovations. This TV show comes along and chooses the hardest of hardships and gives the families just one more hardship and build these families a mansion in 7 days that they couldn’t afford to maintain and keep. The idea may have began with good intentions but there was a just one flaw in the blind spot that would have an effect on all the families. The monthly bills went from $500 a month to $1200. Someone’s pantry cost $2000 per month. The taxes increased. These homes were built for millionaires not minimum wage workers to beneficiaries. Most of the families were evicted or had to sell their million dollar mansion for $500,000 because the buyers who could afford the house didn’t want to live in a low socioeconomic suburb. It was the only mansion on the street. One father felt the pressure and chose to put his house into a mortgage and borrowed $400,000 to start a business and it failed and he lost all the money. Another family once they moved into the house, started to release one by one their adopted children. They used their adopted kids to get a nice home and then get rid of them. Someone went back to film these families to see their future. The executive producers from this tv reality makeover series didn’t think about this important criteria that these families couldn’t afford the house upgrades. It messed with the everyone. No-one really knew how to manage this rare issue, it didn’t seem like they knew who to turn too? It was a major flaw in the idea proposal. These reality TV shows like American’s Next Top Model and The Playboy Mansion series and spin off shows ruin lives. I wasn’t aware of how toxic it was. I’m glad everyone who is unpacking it for us.
It’s scary because I used to watch these shows growing up. I wasn’t aware of the details I was watching, it went above my head.
I wasn’t expecting to cross paths with this story.
I didn’t know Prince was known in his friendship circle as the lonely man. During his childhood, his parents were jazz musicians at night with a dream of becoming famous. The father was working in a low paying job that made them suffer in poverty. He was a mean critical parent and taught Prince how to play the piano but not in a nurturing way. It drove Prince to become a hardcore perfectionist to win his Father’s approval and love. He got kicked out of home very young, too young. a child still. He went to go live with his friends, one of them had a drum kit and he taught himself every instrument he could in 5 years as he couldn’t afford teachers. He got his first demo at 15 from a local music producer. By 19 he was performing live on tv.
I was thinking about Prince one day. I missed him. Even if everyone of these people I would never meet, they were in my life on tv and I got to grow up with them. My heart loved him. I enjoyed his music as a child and forever.
I feel this world pulling apart slowly losing a few more musicians. It scares me that in 150 years from now. There will be a completely new set of humans living on earth.
Prince’s music makes me feel temporarily confident and happy, it’s perfect in an imperfect world.
He did amazing. I was wondering why all of these Prince things were appearing in my life and a few days later it was his birthday. I wanted to bake him a birthday cake but this year I was too depressed to do it. Then his documentary appeared that was made after his death as he was so private he didn’t want one made while he was alive. But they did a really good job with the archive footage and interviews. They made it just in time while his friends were still alive. As they hold important vivid memories.
The more I investigate anyone’s story to fame and fortune, there is this intensely lonely hardship. How do you survive that? It’s built from two different extreme life paths poverty or nepotism. The first one in the family to become famous or born into a family with a famous parent or parents.
You either fail trying to make it or you work so hard going above and beyond in a ways that most of us don’t do. It is lonely. No-one around you understands what you are doing nor do they believe in your fairy tale. But apparently its not even close to a fairy tale but another story of hell on earth. How many cycles must we suffer through to get to a good one that feels good, and is good. Give our nervous system a break.
There is just enough support for you to do what you gotta do to get to the next step. It’s happening in secret. No one knows what you are doing and why until its the right time. Development is pretty fast it seems.
I don’t know why only some people get to live their dreams and everyone else doesn’t.
The rejection and jealousy of Prince’s parents made him feel so lonely, he just wanted to be loved as a child and adult. He needed his parents connection in his life. It was a no contact relationship. Even when he went back to his father to give him a house and car, there was no love there from him. There is an intergenerational dream that is passed down, someone’s Grandmother or Mother/Father had a dream of becoming famous and couldn’t but their child or grandchild completes the cycle and achieves that dream for their family. But because it’s often a very solo journey. It’s not quite the same for everyone.
The world is changing.
Everyone I know who didn’t have the patience to wait for a director to choose them as lead just cast themselves and direct their own short film. Get on with it. More opportunities came along.
I feel this regret in my gut, that if I don’t make something before I die, this stuck energy has already lingered on for too long as it is. I see everyone else’s short films and travels over to NYC and Tribeca. WE can do that, our own version.
I feel this energy of procrastination for life and it is embodied within me. I’m frozen. I hate failure. It’s only inspirational when there is success in the mix.
I watched one of my mentors this year direct their first feature film in NZ and she was so happy. So many moments where I got the ticket entrance but once I arrived I didn’t get what I wanted. In fact I was given the opportunity to serve everyone else and not serve myself and put myself into a compromising situation that didn’t feel right to me. So I often never stayed. Mr Beast didn’t like College and only stayed for two weeks, pretended to keep going to College. He did what he wanted to do in secret, if he did anything else he felt depressed. But he managed to dig deep enough and find gold pretty quickly. The universe supported him and the rest is history. They say don’t compare yourself with anyone, fuck it I am going to do it right now. I have tried so many subjects with various educational providers and only stayed two weeks and I hated it too. I missed something. I didn’t leave and do what I wanted to do in secret, because what I wanted to do involves a team. Who is my team? What story am I going to tell?
I heard this message a few weeks ago. It said you are climbing up this staircase and the universe wants you to go through the door at the top. But every time you go there, you turn back around and walk back down the stairs. You can do that, you have free will. Every time the door opens I don’t like what I see on the other side. So I keep opening up new doors to see if I like it and often not. I only like some things and the rest I don’t want. But I am basically always sitting at the bottom of the staircase not knowing what to do next.
It is hard being a perfectionist and a creator, but its not impossible. That kind of creativity is spiritual.
There is this long journey of disappointment for me. Something doesn’t feel right because something isn’t right.
I crossed paths with your Mother once in a blue moon, but every time she always says something quick but it pieces a story together. Mothers have intuition for their children. I gotta trust that.
by Gemma Merryn Ellis