You are looking at this in the wrong way. I hope you are not offended by this. He laughs. I don’t intend to offend but if I do that is perfectly fine. I can’t believe you travelled all this way to do this in person. You are the first.
I’m trying to avoid all the summers when it comes to international travel. Which is the complete reverse to how it once was. In some countries its like a blessed day when the sun comes out after all those grey cold days. But when you relocate to an area that is summer all year around, you bet I swam in the ocean in the middle of winter. The water here is warmer than back home, the icy cold antarctica energy has melted by the time it arrives here. Sunbathing on the beach in the middle of winter, never have I ever seen that. I like experiencing that.
I was on my walk, my favourite walk and on that particular day all of a sudden I experienced this internal panic of not wanting to walk the same walk forever until the day I die. No, I don’t want to die in the town that I was born in. But sometimes when I go back I’m like I could go back and live there again. It’s the comfort of the familiar. But I can drive to all the thrift stores in 2 hours and its all over. The fish bowl doesn’t really do it for me, it drives me crazy. The nostalgia is real and it hits me hard in the face as I remember my teenage years here and I want to go back in time to talk to myself. Tell her the truth apparently I still am in the dark about that as well and don’t have all the answers but I have so many things to share with her. If I could talk to my past self, I hope that I could change her timeline. It’s ok to live a different one. It’s ok to not meet everyone you meet in this version and go a completely different route. But if you want to meet this person, here are the dates and year you have to be in to cross paths with them. The window is very short by the way. I need my sister to ask her a few questions on how to manipulate people but then she isn’t very well respected and everyone leaves eventually so that’s not going to work. Never mind what I said. I’m thinking out loud.
I returned home with a plan that we would relocate in December and began selling items online to begin the downsizing process. Strangely things worked out that way but not exactly in the city I chose, somewhere else. I wasn’t that happy with being there. It worked out somehow. What do I know? The universe holds secrets and doesn’t tell me anything until the last minute, its very annoying. The best part of those 4 years was the final 3 months. It wasn’t long enough. Some things don’t take long to be born.
Why are so many days and months just and endless of the same old same old. Then there is this period of three months of travelling in my car with almost everything I own in it. All my plans that I showed up with got turned down and I was ushered onto another path instead. After a very easy three minute drive around and around to the yoga studio, reformer pilates room and back home again. Turned into one trial run after the other from one studio to the next. I missed my favourite. I keep getting asked what is my favourite and I haven’t had the time yet for that answer to catch up with me. I never reply. I feel like I just lie, or there are multiple answers. I don’t know which one is the right one until I’m by myself. I’m so private. The world is developing to be very very transparent in ways I never could have imagined it would become.
The world feels very sci-fi. YouTube channels make it feel this way. All these real life people are talking like they know someone is listening, like you are walking down the corridor together and they are telling you a story. But its all on screen. I don’t have time for everyone. I don’t know how to find everyone either. In real time we often don’t even try to get to know one another. My inner Grandmother has started to grow and she is a chatty woman, she doesn’t want to be quiet anymore.
Meeting anyone in real life is a miracle. I feel like I spend most of my time these days living in a virtual reality. It is intriguing. I ask myself is this wasting my time? I close the fridge and no I am not. I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. Sometimes I hear compassionate ones saying there is no right or wrong. While I feel like there is but its about acceptance and spirituality at its core is pure love and only the truthful answers can heal and support you during this time of need.
I don’t think my hobbies are normal. But I was taught something and I couldn’t stop it once I was introduced. I’m going to leave it vague. All the details I discover in readings and listening. I look down at my uterus and I still haven’t given birth yet. How can a perfectionist like myself even get pregnant I am terrified from everything I have read. I don’t know what the statistics are for healthy families with children who grow up with unconditional love and environment that makes them develop in the ways they would like to. But the world is often not the country, culture or family you would want to be born into. It is not equal for everyone.
I don’t know how many times I have listened to the timeline when divorce enters but sometimes it begins when the beautiful child is in the womb. I have listened to the hearts who want to find their partner but I’m never around long enough to find out if they got their happy ending or not. But I hope so.
I get paranoid.
I hear about divorces during times of sickness and have to view it from both sides. But its difficult. I couldn’t imagine finding out that I had cancer and get a divorce because of it. This happens much more than I could imagine. The traditional vows are misunderstood. In sickness and in health.
The fairy tale wedding, a ring that you could sell to buy a very nice house with, to end up in a very controlling home on the other side. A trap you didn’t see coming. That scared me. It reminded me of that horror movie Midsommar. It’s that not knowing, that no-one knew, did no-one get a bad feeling about this? We are all aware of red flags and not listen to them the first time.
Sometimes I need a take two but there isn’t one. Just take one that’s it. I can’t go back and change a few things and swap emails or Instagram accounts. But sometimes it takes me 10 months to feel ready to connect again. I often find jumping in too quickly makes me only want to jump out again just as fast and never return. Often quick chemistry is a sign of a quick exit and we just needed to exchange socials to arrange meeting up later. I feel ready to talk now, 10 months later for some reason. I often feel like I’m covered in locks and I have to meet certain people on my path that are like lock smiths who open one lock at a time. When I have opened enough then I can do this thing. But its too slow. I miss all these opportunities as they arise. Then it is gone. I just want to be lockless.
I didn’t know it was happening. But I met someone who was a mover. After they left. I became a mover a few months later. Somehow seeing him come and go so often and hearing where he went. I became like that too. I loved it. I miss it. I love moving. Driving. Showing up in different places.
When I get triggered I only see it one way. But also I don’t know how to stop someone from talking too much if it effects me negatively. But still hold space for them. I notice that we are who we are at the time and no-one likes to be edited or told how to be just to make everyone around them more comfortable. I look back and see things slightly differently. I have more compassion for them. That situation was too stressful and effected their mental health. Sometimes you don’t need everyone’s help around you to get what you want. Often you just listen to yourself, figure out what you want and don’t want. I don’t like it when strangers use the kindness of others around them so they know they can control other people some how. Every addict I have met are super controlling. I strip it back and can see that what door was opening for them was the right one. It flowed through them, no one else found it for them. They didn’t need my partner and I to help them find a job actually, they just believed they needed it at the time. They needed support from a community to feel safe, but I often felt like he was an intruder, invading my privacy and crossing my boundaries daily. He was so pushy, I would have to show my teeth and growl to let them know not to hassle me. Most people leave me alone, but these addict types have no boundaries and just believe they can do and say what they want without any negative consequences. It was interferring with my life, it was too much. Even though it wasn’t a long period of time in the end it was too much for me and it took its toll. I would have a series of events with two more addicts one after the other. I had to ghost every single one of them. It was bombardment. It wasn’t healthy. I see how they always asked for something, multiple things. I never asked for anything, because I usually don’t when I met someone. It’s not my intention. But these guys will just ask anyone for anything they can get. Every single time, we are not together for long because its too toxic. I can’t breathe properly with them around me, I feel the poison hit my skin and I collapse. I lose myself for a few weeks. I don’t know why I have this reaction but most people around me have no idea what happened to me, I don’t know how to explain it but after being around a toxic addict I feel sick for several weeks after our encounter. I don’t seem to have immunity to this sort of thing. But they are the opposite of everyone I meet whom we say hi, a few quick stories and then we go off to the next thing. Not these ones, they keep coming back, too much talking, too much neediness, for a stranger its weird. We are not close friends, we are not family. I feel their snake spirit coil themselves around me with their energy and I am suffocated and trapped listening to their venting as if I was a natural born therapist. I don’t know how anyone could tolerate this style of talking, this toxic thinking, all these bad memories all at once, out of the blue. I didn’t add them to my schedule with a purpose or reason why we meet up. Our time together is never planned, its spontaneous, out of the blue, and i don’t like it that much. My life has a schedule, its in my calendar. The unplanned things I like are the moments that I enjoy. There are events that happen that no-one can predict. My body is too sensitive for some people. That’s the boundary I must respect and value. I’m not ready for their energy, their life experiences.